I am here
I don't know where I'm going
But maybe that's the best way to be.
These metaphoric arms
Still have half a hold upon me -
Tell me, why can I not feel free?
This is probably going to be the least organised post I've ever written, because it's basically just a jumble of thoughts that I need to put into words.
So, recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I mean, a lot of thinking.
It's like my last year of school sucked my personality from me - fed me the opinions of others instead of my own, told me not to question why.
And now, I'm thinking so much. Forming opinions - so much so that I'm starting to question who I am.
What do I believe in? Where do I stand? Where am I going?
Where do I belong?
This question of belonging has been throwing itself about my brain for so long. Not so much in a physical sense - where is home? - but in a metaphorical (if not even spiritual) sense.
Where do I belong in this world I call home?
Of course, I know what I want to do for a living.
But that still doesn't stop these questions circulating.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
But I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter.
You don't need to find yourself, because each day is a new day.
You learn, you discover, you grow.
As human beings, we evolve.
Each day, we will find a 'new' version of us.
It might not be a revolutionary change, but the us we are today will be different to the us we were yesterday - or the us we will be tomorrow.
After studying Buddhism for 2 years, I think these past weeks have allowed me to finally understand the concept of anicca. Impermanence.
Nothing stays the same forever.
It's why I don't enjoy the songs I did 5 years ago... Get along with the same people...
It's why I say I know where I belong, then question myself again.
I may have found myself when I was 15, but that doesn't mean that I'll be that same person forever.
I don't want to be that same person forever.
So maybe who am I? isn't the right question. Instead, maybe I should stop trying.
Stop trying to categorise myself, and instead concentrate on life itself.
Maybe by doing this, I'll find who I am, in this moment.
But, then again, who knows.