I am here
I don't know where I'm going
But maybe that's the best way to be.
These metaphoric arms
Still have half a hold upon me -
Tell me, why can I not feel free?
This is probably going to be the least organised post I've ever written, because it's basically just a jumble of thoughts that I need to put into words.
So, recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I mean, a lot of thinking.
It's like my last year of school sucked my personality from me - fed me the opinions of others instead of my own, told me not to question why.
And now, I'm thinking so much. Forming opinions - so much so that I'm starting to question who I am.
What do I believe in? Where do I stand? Where am I going?
Where do I belong?
This question of belonging has been throwing itself about my brain for so long. Not so much in a physical sense - where is home? - but in a metaphorical (if not even spiritual) sense.
Where do I belong in this world I call home?
Of course, I know what I want to do for a living.
But that still doesn't stop these questions circulating.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
But I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter.
You don't need to find yourself, because each day is a new day.
You learn, you discover, you grow.
As human beings, we evolve.
Each day, we will find a 'new' version of us.
It might not be a revolutionary change, but the us we are today will be different to the us we were yesterday - or the us we will be tomorrow.
After studying Buddhism for 2 years, I think these past weeks have allowed me to finally understand the concept of anicca. Impermanence.
Nothing stays the same forever.
It's why I don't enjoy the songs I did 5 years ago... Get along with the same people...
It's why I say I know where I belong, then question myself again.
I may have found myself when I was 15, but that doesn't mean that I'll be that same person forever.
I don't want to be that same person forever.
So maybe who am I? isn't the right question. Instead, maybe I should stop trying.
Stop trying to categorise myself, and instead concentrate on life itself.
Maybe by doing this, I'll find who I am, in this moment.
But, then again, who knows.
I read once that the atoms which make up your body are constantly being renewed, and after 7 years not one atom is the same - so physically, as well as emotionally, you're an entirely new person. I think everyone starts out the same, it's what we see, learn and do along the way that makes us the "person" we are. You can rediscover that someone is totally different, or suddenly get along with a new sort of person. I think I'll always be finding myself and leaving some things behind, but it's not necessarily a bad thing..
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thought-provoking post, I think you'll get to know your 'true' self a bit better now that your exams are finished :)
I wasn't aware about the atoms - that's definitely intriguing. It's so strange to think that it's not just a mental change - it's physical too!!
DeleteI know it's not necessarily relevant, but your comment about everyone starting out the same made me think of John Locke's 'Tabula Rasa' theory - that all children are born as a 'blank slate', and who they become/how they behave depends on the world around us. Whether or not this really happens, we are influenced by our environments each and every day. :)
I love, love, love this post Rhiannon! I can completely relate to how you're feeling. My Grandpa used to say "the only thing about life that never changes is that life is always changing." I feel like that's really true about people too. As you experience different things, you'll change and develop as a person. Maybe it's impossible to ever truly know one's self because it's always changing. Maybe the key is just to be happy with who you are in the moment and be open to change.
ReplyDeleteI really like that quote. And I agree, being happy in the moment without trying to chain down a definition of who I am is definitely something that I'm currently striving to do :)
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